CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
