I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
