my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
