The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
