My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
