Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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