I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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