I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
