yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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