With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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