I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
