I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
