i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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