My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
