Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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