I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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