I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I accidentally burped into my bong.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
