His pubic hair was longer than his dick
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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