I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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