Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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