I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
