plz talk dirty to me
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
