i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
this boner is exhausting
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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