I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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