blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
