my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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