I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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