if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
