I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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