he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
