just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
