I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
And my parents said I crawled through the house
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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