I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I will pee on everything he values.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
you never un-have a 4some
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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