So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
