i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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