I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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