6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
