sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
