Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
