my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
