Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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