I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
