i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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