Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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