Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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