Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
