who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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