i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
