if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Randomize
