I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
