what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
