Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
