the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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