Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
