Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
