My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
