Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
