my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
