And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
