Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
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